missing,

well its a good feeling to be writing songs again and playing guitar after song long of not really doing it.

and i've been missing old friends alot.
maybe thats why writing has been easier.
which kinda sucks when you have to draw from sadness.
happy thoughts???

12bars

well i dont care how i die,
so long as i got you by my side.
you can give me the cancer,
a poison dart,
deliver a bullet to my heart.
none of that will matter,
old habits..... die hard.

i was put here to love you,
through the thick and the thin.
but i dont know where you've gone,
who you with or where you've been.
just like you say,
none of my business anyways.

just give me a shovel,
and i'll dig my own grave.
just give me a shovel,
and i'll dig my own grave.
if i can't even find you,
how will i be safe?
give me a shovel,
and i'll dig my own grave.
give me a shovel,
and i'll dig at your pace,
give me a shovel,
cause baby i'm your slave.

moving along.

today was by far one of the most productive days i have had in a long time. johnny wakeham called me the other day, his amp wasn't working. he asked if he could bring it by for me to look at and i said not a problem.
so he brought it by, we opened it up and found the problem (faulty solder joint/bad resistors) so i fixed that real quick andd she was as good as gold!

but earlier in the day i started to work on my motorbike, i have two, and one is the donor for the other. my goal was to get the engine out and disassemble it, clean and get it back together. i should point out now that i have never done this, i've alwasy been good with electronics, but mechanics has never been my forte.

well anyways, after long day i found myself on the kitchen floor taking apart, cleaning and putting back together the engine i plan on putting in the bike. so its done now now. i think i figured some things out. i watched reagen rebuild his carburetor on the side of the road yesterday so i figured i could handle this.

i'm glad i took this challenge. all i need now is a new battery. get it next weekend.

new goal.
make the bike run by next weekend. confidence check? 90%

i'm proud to be the only uncle of this little girl.

i dont normally smile like that.

a little taste

just a teaser.

ailah dana jean good

welcome to the family.

my brother bryan and his partner kayti had their child this morning at 5:30 am.

i'm so proud of the both of them, but bryan especially you. as my younger i have watched you grow up, from a stubborn and irrational  brat to the person you are today. i stood by and watched you repeatedly fall only to get up and rise again. and i don't tell you enough how proud i am of you. all in time. so you had your first child, ailah. and i am so happy to be an uncle. the one and only uncle. because i always wanted to have kids but its getting to the point now where i'm starting to think its too late, or i'm too old, or i will never meet the compatible partner that is in it for the long haul. so a niece will do just fine!!!!

look at that, you even made me tear in the eyes.

i love you guys!

i know that this isn't me, i'm not the depressed pity seeking asshole. but sometimes i feel like a waste of flesh. what and i doing, and why am i doing it? where am i going, and why am i going there?

i had a father once, and he's gone now, i still have a father, he's just not around.... and i miss him. when i was bummed out my dad would figure it out with me. but he died quickly and i was forced to learn how to deal with my problems by myself. the first couple of years were hard. i just bottled it all up. not saying much. kinda sucked cause that aint me. but with time i learnt to let it go, talk it out and face my fears. i try to pass that onto others but sometimes they dont get.

i miss my dad. he was my best friend, and my inspiration. i was lucky to have him and i never took it for granted.

to my dad...

dad, i'm in trouble right now and i'm fighting with myself.

dad, i love you.

i'll see you again one day.

pretty choked.

i waste so much time..... for nothing.

i take one step forward. and two back.

trash talk

the weeks feel long lately, my weekends haven't felt like weekends. and the work week feels like a ten day stretch.

i've been cleaning my place. but i don't feel like i am getting anywhere, and all thats left to do is throw out all the accumulated garbage, vacuum, and then mop. not really a lot at all. but still it feels like it'll take forever.

i organized my tool box, and cleaned my work bench. now i am ready to build a couple of amps.

i haven't played any music in a while and i feel like i should be doing that. i got a lot on my chest that needs releasing. i also want to start recording again. but i guess i need to start picking up my guitar before that can happen.

woe is me.

I'm not complaining.

really everything is fine. and i am just tired and lazy.

traders

not the kind in comic book shops.

not the kind that work in stocks.

not the kind you find in record shops.

and not the ones you find on craiglist.

but the ones who quietly sneak up behind you and slit your throat with a knife.

jet planes

i think i'm going to leave now,

because i'm tired and i can't figure out where you are.

did you leave for another country?

this time i think you've gone too far.

i used to feel like you were the last, and sometimes i still think that you are.

but its hard to tell when i cant hear your voice.

your just a voice inside my head. just a word inside my heart.

you never made me angry, even after everything you've done. 

you only ever made me hurt, but it was never painful it was just a reminder of why i was holding on.

pipe dreams. 

so where are you now? will you call when you get home?

i miss you more and more each and every day.

i haven't been the same.

pipe dreams.

organize.

well i finally had time to get my book cases and start organizing things.
pretty stoked.
now i just have to order more parts for different builds.

thats alot of records!

i put together my media shelving yesterday, i loaded all my records onto them. built some new shelves and installed new lights. slowly but surely my apartment is becoming my own. after years of living with others and with other peoples stuff, it is a very warm feeling to proudly display all of the things that i have collected over the years that i regrettably had to keep in storage for a lack of room elsewhere.

i watch the movie "choke" last night with reagen and quentin. it was funny.... and pretty good. i wasn't disappointed at least.

i'm going to clean some more today.